- Blue mondays turning my pregnancy into a High risk journey -

The story goes like this, most of the time. You get pregnant. You can go on with normal activities but keep everything at a moderate pace, not lifting heavy objects ext. You will experience some discomfort during pregnancy but nothing too bad. You can experience some morning sickness, some don’t. Your baby will usually come anytime from 36 weeks. You can go shopping, work and get the baby room ready.  Still drive where you need to be.  

Well, my pregnancy story is a bit different.

We have been experiencing some difficult situations these past week. Ironically, each time on a Monday.

When you wake up at 5:00 in the morning and see a bit of blood while almost halfway through your pregnancy.  You know that the sun that has not came up yet is most definitely not going to shine today.

I do not think that I have ever been so petrified  in my entire life. People who know me know I can be a bit paranoid. But during this period I have tried not to get to stressed and worried. It is such a cliche to say, do not stress when you are pregnant, but unfortunately it is true. 

We’ve been married a year now.  What an awesome adventure it has been with Carel. He is still my biggest inspiration. I would have completely loose my mind if I did not see his peaceful eyes every morning next to me.  

I also realised that things in my life never really happens according to plan.  I am the worst organiser in the entire world. It really suites me, that life just drops us with a lot at once, because if I had time to think about it, it would have probably made me stressed or un-decisive. I read the other day “My impulsive decisions are the most best decisions I have ever made”. Amen to that.

We did not plan to get pregnant. I think that if you do not plan to get pregnant it is kind of amazing when you do. Like God planted this little body inside you because He decided it is time. Nothing beats the feeling I got when I saw 2 stripes on that pregnancy stick. I remember getting  cravings all the time and my friend Lee-Anne said, “You also had cravings 2 weeks ago, maybe go pee on the stick haha.”

We had a family shoot the day in Jozi, so before the journey to there we stopped at the mall to get some helium balloons and of course “the stick”. I Went to the public bathroom which I have always tried to avoid, took out the stick, threw away the instructions because I know what I am supposed to see. Waited and there it was, 2 beautiful parallel stripes. I threw out the dustbin  just to make sure I have understood the instructions I were so nonchalant about. 

I do not think I have ever smiled that much in a public bathroom, I felt as if God gave me the most widest and most beautiful smile ever. I did not care if all my gums were showing or that my cheeks were making my eyes look like little teddy bear eyes. No,I felt way too much joy. 

I ran through the mall towards Carel with the pregnancy stick in my hand. It must have looked like I was doing “aflos”. People were looking at me strangely and I just wanted to tell everyone “I am pregnant”. Then I quickly stopped running because I did not know if you can run when pregnant and just walked extremely fast haha “motherly instinct ” were downloaded into my brain as the pee made its way through that pregnancy stick :)

I will never ever forget how immensely happy I felt. I have always said, that I strongly feel that my purpose in life is to become a mother. I have so much love to give I really need to give it to my little “hippies” because Carel cannot have it all, I will smother him. So when I realised that dream is going to become a reality, gosh, nothing would stop that joy I felt in that smelly public bathroom.

Standing in our bathroom I felt absolute sadness. “This is the end” I thought. I was shaking the whole drive to the Gynaecologist, dreading the news I was about to get. I have been reading a lot of information and nothing felt positive. I have to say, the pregnancy articles makes use of a lot of euphemisms. Really trying to make you feel positive and right at the end of the article, boom, there is a BUT. An awful, terrible, fat BUT. Blood is the most scariest thing to see when pregnant.

The Gynae said it looks like an infection. Our little boy was looking happy on the sonar for now, moving around and having a steady heartbeat. It was a sigh of relief. The Gynae said I must stay in bed. We were doing a wedding the weekend and she firmly said that It would be best if I get a back up plan if my pain gets worse and if there is more blood.  Relief turned into “What the hell am I going to do”. Something tugged on my heart, a worried feeling that would not go away. I knew an infection during pregnancy can cause early labour but I still felt something is not quite right. 

I had terrible pain that evening before the wedding, dreading every moment I had to go to the bathroom. I was praying every time that I do not see anything unusual. Pregnant women are usually very emotional but I tend to be emotional anyhow. I kept telling my little one he is going to be okay, over and over again. Tears dripping everywhere I walked.  

I had a very sick first trimester, felt like I was going to die everyday haha Nothing compared to this feeling I had, that I might loose our baby. I could not do the wedding, I just new something was not right. The Stroopsoet team went on my behalf. I am so grateful for them for doing the wedding without me and being so supportive. 

I dropped of our dearest cleaner during the week at the bus stop and stopped in the communal parking at our security complex. A lady stopped at the car and touched the back lights. The other day she told me she loves our new car, so I was sitting there thinking to myself, what is going on? Does she have some kind of strange fetish for cars? haha When I opened the door she had a fright, she thought I forgot to put off the lights so she was feeling if it is hot. 

The lovely old lady always enjoys a little small talk. Very passionate about God and her husband. You struggle to concentrate on  her eyes while she is talking for she does not really have teeth in her mouth anymore. The other day I saw her with a cap on backwards, her curly hair stood prominent to the sides and she made me think of the “Nik Naks” man. “ I am doing gospel Hip hop classes now, I love it”. I could not stop thinking how funny it must be. That really made my day.

Back to the car, she asked me how I was doing with the pregnancy. I briefly told her about the blood discharge and infection. The dr. looks worried and so am I. She then immediately started praying for me. I could feel the holy spirit’s presence as she prayed. She demanded the devil to stay away from my womb and that God is stronger. She prayed for life.   She said I must please go read Ps 91. She said it over and over again. 

I eagerly paged to Ps 91. Reading it over and over again and feeling relief to know God is with me. After 5 min I read it again and the last paragraph stood out and it was as if God was speaking directly to my little boy in the womb, it said:

“Because HE loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue HIM. I will protect HIM, for he acknowledges My name. HE will call on Me, and I will answer HIM. I will be with HIM in trouble, I will DELIVER  HIM and honour HIM. 

With a LONG LIFE I will satisfy HIM and show HIM My salvation”.

With a long life I will Satisfy him. What a beautiful scripture God gave me. Knowing our little baby is going to be okay.

You see, when you hear the voice of God, it is like your bones get injected with some kind of magic potion. You are ready to face anything and anyone. I realised again that God is in me. I might feel insignificant, but these past few weeks while being pregnant, I started feeling quite special and brave.  There was a little miracle in me, how could I not feel godly at all? He is in me, and He is in little Iver’s heart. 

I pictured God standing and holding Iver in his hands. A little body curled up and completely happy. That image popped in my head at the right time. When I closed me eyes I saw these incredible hands with our little baby in it. Iver is going to be okay.

So, it was Monday again. The day we always try to make our favourite, and I saw blood again. I was calming myself down by thinking I still need to finish the antibiotics so I will be patient. During the week I experienced terrible back pain and cramps. I could not sleep because I knew something strange was going on. I phoned the receptionist at the Gynae and she said the pain must be unbearable and I must be patient because my next appointment is just 4 days away.  I felt quite hopeless. I knew something was wrong but she was treating me like I am the first paranoid pregnant little girl. I have realised again that you need to trust your gut. It will never lie. If you think something is wrong, theres something going on.

We did an awesome wedding the Friday and the pain just got worse. Saturday morning we had a wedding in Lydenburg and I felt just awful during the night. Telling my little baby he must please give me a sign in the morning if I must not do the wedding. That morning I saw more blood. 

Carel,Kyla, Carli and Ruhan went to the wedding and I rushed to the Dr. I phoned the receptionist and she said they are full for the day and it really needs to be an emergency.  I need to come quick if I want to see the dr. I cried all the way to the dr., that lady really upset me.   

While looking on the sonar screen, the Dr. saw that my cervix was starting to dilate.   She subscribed more antibiotics and bed rest and said I can loose the baby, so I need to stay in bed till Monday and come see her again.  There is an operation we can do to close the cervix, but it is to risky, because I am half way through my pregnancy so I need to rest. “Thank you for coming in, just come in if you feel something is not right”, the Dr said. I hoped the receptionist heard that.

My cramps were unbearable and I tried calming myself down by reading ps 91. I will satisfy him with a long life. Sunday I tried my best to urinate, but it did not want to come. The Dr. said I must not put any pressure on my stomach, because of the open cervix. I was uncomfortable and so stressed, that I avoided the bathroom completely. When I went to the bathroom I could literally feel something pushing down there. Sunday evening it felt as if my bladder was going to burst, I could not lay down properly and was up and down the whole night trying to find a way to relax.

Monday morning came, I knew it was not going to be a pretty yellow day. I could not get dressed and Carel needed to help out. The pain was unbearable. The gynae said that our little baby is fine and then she started to panic… “Your bladder is so full it is going to burst and your cervix is so far open your baby is going to fall out”. Bladder bursting? Baby falling out? Everything was a bit of a blur for me. She phoned the labour unit at the hospital and demanded they wait for my arrival. I could see she was completely freaked out, but she gave Carel clear directions… “You need to drop her of at the entrance, she cannot walk, someone needs to wheel her in to the labour unit, you need to make quick”.

I phoned my mother asking her if she could meet us at the hospital, knowing Carel will need to fill in forms and I really need someone’s hand.  They wheeled me into the labour unit. I was sobbing uncontrollably. The 2 sisters tried to calm me down, so that they can put the catheter in or on me… Whatever the term!There was no time to wait for the operation so that they can put the catheter in while I was under the narcotics. My bladder needed to be emptied.  They tried over and over again and I screamed their poor friendly heads off. 

They Called my mother in. I tried not to squeeze her hands to tightly for she sometimes suffers from arthritis. I started singing “Jan and the loflaaities” songs in my head, of all the beautiful songs I chose that. Strange how your unconscious mind works. I felt so small in that moment, but that gave me the chance to believe like a little child again. 

I am not used to hospital procedures, putting in a catheter “down there” is probably okay for most women, I don't know? I really could not handle that discomfort at that moment. I think the sisters had a good laugh afterwards.  I tried my best to convince them that I really can urinate. I just need time to relax a little bit haha

They could not believe how many fluids were running down that catheter pipe. They had to change 2 litres within a few minutes. It was a close call indeed. They said my bladder was ready to burst. I think the full bladder was a blessing in disguise, for if I had pushed a little bit I would have not still have our little one inside of me.

My operation were due for the afternoon and they gave me a pain stiller. It did not really work, I was having contractions. 

I felt me little boy kick for the first time, he was kicking very hard, but he was very low. It was supposed to be a joyous moment, but I felt as if he was telling me something is wrong. I am not sure if a 21 week old foetus can kick so hard.

“With a long life I will satisfy him.”

Everything went well, although Dr. said she had to push our baby back. He was ready to come say hello. How on earth something like this can happen had my mind up and running.  My cervix is stitched up. Dr’s orders are: You are not allowed to be on your feet, you must lay down. You can only shower once a day and go to the bathroom. You cannot put pressure on your cervix till baby comes (10Feb’16) so you are not allowed to sit at all. 

God designed women’s bodies in such a way that the cervix keeps baby save. The cervix keeps everything together. But if God designed it He sure had a say in how to heal it.  He keeps us together. He saves us. It was truly a miracle that we were fine.

Got it. I will do anything to save out little boy. Third week of bed rest has past. I realised how I hate off white walls.  Why make the ceiling white and the walls off white? It just does not look happy.  It also came to mind that 4 months in bed would have been something to look forward to for someone who hates their job. Not me. Every time Carel goes out on a shoot my eyes gets teary.  It also would have worked out great if it was not summer at the moment. 

I realised how amazing Carel handles stressed out situations. He is doing everything for me “In sickness and in health”. He even shaved my legs saying “Mm this is quite soothing” haha

I remember during the first trimester I told him one day “This little baby is taking so much from me, I never knew it is possible to feel so sick”. He calmly said “It is because you have so much to give”. Every time I ran to the bathroom I thought of what he said. I am this little one’s strength, I have a lot to give. Carel believed in me every single day. 

I realised how amazingly blessed I am to grow this little miracle. “The pain you are feeling is not compared to the joy that is coming” Rom 6:16

I realised (although I already knew that) that we are blessed with amazing friends and family. We are having so much support and love, we do not feel alone in this at all.

So Monday came again, I had contractions again. The whole weekend I tried to be brave but I was clenching my fingers in my pillow.

The pills gave me little panic attacks, I did not want to drink them for I was shaking and feeling as if my heart is going to stop any moment. I was so scared that our baby is also going to feel what I am feeling.

I talked to God, I know I am supposed to handle this very good, He would not let me go through this if I could not.He has faith in me, but I seem to have lost faith in myself. Is God mad at me for feeling this way? I felt as if I was disappointing God, he gave me his word and still I am full of fear everyday. I then saw Jesus’ wrists in my mid. I saw scars and pain. It immediately was an “ah hah” moment for me. I seem to forget how beautiful the story of the cross is. It sometimes feel like a fictional story because we have heard it so much since we were little. I felt so much better when I realised Jesus was once human as well, he felt as if God had forsaken him while He was going through the pain of being hammered to the cross.  God was not at all disappointed in me, he understood how I felt. He went through hell for me so I will go through anything for my son as well.

Monday morning I told Carel we need to go to the hospital, these contractions are not normal.I spoke to the Dr. and she said that the pills need to work, if not I need to rush to the Labour unit immediately. On our way there  I saw a quote of FB, “God never gives up on you even when you’ve given up on yourself. When your faith is fading, find strength in knowing God is fighting for you”. Another “ah hah” moment that brought me to tears. Thank you God for giving  me another confirmation on my prayer. 

I have realised how weak I have become in these 3 weeks of laying down. Carel pushed me in the wheelchair to the labour unit. In the lift there was a little boy, also in a wheelchair with braces on his little legs. I could see in his eyes that he has been going through al lot of helpless moments in his short little life. He started crying “I do not want to be here mommy, I want to go home”. Oh dear, I started crying with him. I felt his distress. His mother asked me what is wrong and Carel explained for I was sobbing too much. She said she is going to pray for me and when we went down the hallway I saw her kneeling down next to her boy, folding hands and praying. 

The sister put on the contraction belt, baby was kicking it and being very active in his little home. The contractions stopped. 

I wish I could see that lovely mommy again, to thank her for her prayer, I am sure it was because of her and her little boy I was not in pain anymore. I was blown away.

We must ask God to open us up for situations like this. If you think someone needs a prayer, pray for them. Even if you are not a religious person, just be compassionate towards someone in need. Even if you do not know them. I think it makes a bigger impact on that person knowing that a total stranger is praying for them. I felt relief knowing God has his angels on guard for me and our son.

This is not the pregnancy I imagined having. I never thought I would be so sick. I almost never get sick and is super healthy. That was the words of the Dr. during my first trimester. Through all this I have experienced a very deep connection with Iver and God.  I cannot wait to give Iver a kiss and comfort him.

We are naming him Iver. We love “Bon Iver” and we just immediately new when the Dr. said it is a boy he will be named Iver. We have read a lot of name meanings, some say Iver means “Noble and peaceful” and some say, “archer and warrior”. He is definitely a warrior. He is a little fighter. He is definitely going to have a pretty damn awesome purpose someday. It makes me so excited to see what beautiful heart he is going to have. 

My father-in-law always says that parents only job is to make sure they have godly offspring. I think he is definitely going to be proud of our little boy, he was only 15cm tall at the time and having faith. 

In the hospital I listened to this song from Coldplay, Gravity. It explained our situation. Gravity pulling little Iver away from me. Like the Dr. said, no pressure can be put on my cervix, gravity of standing can pull him down. Avoid gravity. 

coldplay - Gravity

Don’t we all need to avoid the gravity of troubles? Things that are getting in the way of relationships and faith. The weight of sadness pushing people away from each other. The weight of stress and work forming an awful gravity that pulls us away from the important things in life. Not having a profound focus on God will let the gravity of troubles keep you away from happiness and hope.  Fear is the greatest cause for unnecessary gravity. Iver’s little heart beat is what kept me positive.  We heard it loud and clear every time. His heart beat was my hope.

When I realised I can loose our boy, I decided that nothing will EVER be more important than him. Not money, clients or any dream of mine will ever take his place. God, Carel and Iver will always have all my unconditional love and attention.

You see, the moment you realise you can loose someone that lives so close to your soul. Someone who’s only song through the day is your heartbeat. Someone who depends only on the life you breathe.

That is the moment you decide that nothing, NOTHING is more important. 

Every step of this journey has not been like it is supposed to be.  I have come to terms that this is not going to be an easy or normal pregnancy. The situation is quite suited for us. Normality has never been part of our lives any way. A journey needs ups and downs to make it a memorable adventure and I know this one is going to have a happy ending, I mean, the Man upstairs told me Himself;

“With a long life I will satisfy him.”